9 tips to survive the 4th trimester
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links, meaning I get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through my links, at no cost to you. Please read my terms of use policy for more information.
Before my first daughter was born I had no idea what the 4th trimester was. I started doing research about baby blues, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and some of the things I was feeling started showing up in articles regarding the 4th trimester. So, for anyone else who may be clueless about the 4th trimester, it is the first 12 weeks after your baby is born. Both you and the baby are adjusting to your new roles and figuring each other out. You are hormonal, sleep deprived, not sure what your baby needs, and most likely feel like you have little to no control over anything. It is very easy to get stuck in survival mode, but I’ve listed out 9 ways to help you survive the 4th trimester below.
Ask for help
When my first daughter was born, I had this feeling that I had to do everything on my own to prove something? To prove that I was a good mother? I’m really not sure. We will just blame sleep deprivation and hormones. Looking back, I wish I would have asked and accepted any and all help. My mom and MIL would both come over and help with household chores and try to get me to go take a nap. I finally figured out that I actually would rather have had them to hold the baby so I could clean. Cleaning is such a stress reliever for me and would have given me the break I needed from holding my baby all day. It also made me a little more stressed out when they would help put things up, that they weren’t sure exactly where it needed to be put up. I absolutely wouldn’t complain about the free help, but now I know what I need after the baby is born. Don’t wait to figure out what you need. Sit down and ask yourself what would truly help you with the baby, the house and your mental health.
Set boundaries and be firm
When you become a parent, you experience all these different emotions, feelings and opinions you didn’t realize you were going to have. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I would feel when someone would try to hold my baby and then they would start crying and I couldn’t get them back right away. I’ve always been a people pleaser so it was unbelievably uncomfortable for me to stand up and tell them no you cannot hold my baby or I need to take my baby back. It is definitely something I have gotten better at and I am still working on as well. Having those solid boundaries before you go into a social gathering or uncomfortable situation will be super helpful. Come up with a certain phrase that you have on hand in these situations, this way you can stand your ground while being polite and not feeling uncomfortable.
Sign up for therapy
I definitely waited too long to sign myself up for therapy. With my first, I was in such a denial that I didn’t go to therapy at all and with my second I should have started much sooner. It was very difficult for me to find time to do much of anything for myself, so I used the TalkSpace app and it was definitely beneficial. I believe meeting someone in person would have been better for building a relationship, but that wasn’t feasible for me at the time. I was able to sign up on the app, pay the fee and start talking with someone within 24 hours. I chose to use the messaging subscription instead of the video or talking. I was able to message my therapist anytime something came up and while holding my sleeping baby. Almost a year after I had my second daughter I also started working with a life coach/practitioner that not only had a license in mental health counseling, but also in nutrition, exercise and overall wellness. By working with her, I was able to identify root causes of any mental health issues I was facing and address them by talking, exercising and changing my diet and lifestyle. This is definitely an approach that I recommend, but it must come at a time that you can and are willing to make changes.
Do something each day for yourself (even if it’s only 5-10 min.)
As a society we have this very idealistic view of what self care should look like and it’s luxurious. It really sets the bar high. Then you become a mom and have to be so selfless and give everything you have to this tiny human, night and day. Something I finally realized was that I didn’t need to go get an hour-long massage or get my hair and nails done to take care of myself. Sure, that would have been wonderful, but not realistic. Taking just 5-10 minutes of the day to do something for me, and only me was just what I needed. I could read a book, sit outside and rock on the front porch, take a bath or shower, watch a show, take a walk, etc. Self care should be enough alone time for you to reset and be the best version of yourself.
Have a loved one set up a meal train
After both of our daughters were born we had multiple friends and family members bring us meals, whether they were home cooked, store bought or take out, it was unbelievably helpful. When you are trying to figure out how to take care of another human on very little sleep, you might not make time to cook for yourself. My MIL also made us freezer meals ahead of time and those came in so handy. More often than not you will have loved ones offer to bring a meal over after the baby is born, but if you would like to make it a little more organized and state any specific diet restrictions you can use mealtrain.com.
Truly sleep when the baby sleeps and clean when they’re awake
This is a lesson I learned early on after having my first daughter. I could do a lot of things when my baby was awake, whether she was playing on the floor, in the swing or I put her in a carrier, but something I absolutely couldn’t do when she was awake… sleep. As a mom, we instantly have this guilt and feeling hanging over us that we have to keep up with the household chores and when they start to pile up it must mean we are failing. But, we cannot keep up with the household chores and taking care of the baby if we do not get an adequate amount of sleep. It is a really difficult habit to get into, because your mind is always thinking about what you should be doing instead or you feel like you are being lazy, but you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. If it helps you, remind yourself that you are taking a nap for your baby so that you can be the best version of yourself for them.
Move your body
When you are running on fumes, aren’t sure if you’ve eaten and are trying to figure out what your baby needs, the last thing you are thinking about is getting up and moving. You just want to sit on the couch and hold your baby, which I highly recommend you do as much as possible. But, I think it is of utmost importance that you get up and move in some way or another. Start small, maybe you start with 5-10 minutes a day of movement, then 10-15 minutes and so on. Get creative. As I’ve stated about 8 million times above, I know how hard it is to think about doing something for yourself and not completely giving your all to your baby, but it will help you in more ways than one. Not only will it help you get back to your pre pregnancy body (slow and steady) but it will also help with the brain fog. After both my pregnancies, I really struggled getting back into an exercise routine. I didn’t have a solid exercising routine to begin with, so getting over that hump felt impossible. It wasn’t until I read a book by Dr. John Ratey discussing the connection between exercising and mental health did I finally get it in gear.
Nourish your body
If you’ve started to notice, the main theme in this post is taking the time to take care of yourself. Once your baby is born, it is so unbelievably easy to throw away any and all self care practices you had prior. You are in survival mode and are focused on keeping the precious baby of yours safe and healthy. But, you absolutely have to take care of yourself in order to give your baby everything it needs. It is a hard concept to grasp when you’re in the trenches, oftentimes feeling unrealistic and impossible, but you have to decide to make that mindset shift and make the appropriate changes. Making sure that your body is receiving the right amount of nutrients, water, sunlight, etc. is so important.
Baby wear
I have seen so many pictures on Instagram or commercials of a baby just happily playing on their play mat and the mom is able to get all the chores done without a peep from the baby… either I’m doing something completely wrong or those just aren’t realistic expectations. Sure, both of my daughters enjoyed their play mats and swings, but not for an extended amount of time. They wanted to be with me. They wanted to be held. It was a great excuse to sit and not do anything else, but after a while you start to think about how nice it would be to get something done and feel slightly productive. Thankfully a friend of mine had passed on her baby carrier and it has come in handy with both babies, especially when I had to chase around a 3 year old after my second daughter was born. I have and love the Infantino Carrier. My youngest is 18 months old and we are still using it!
The 4th trimester can feel very isolating, so I just want to offer any support that I can. Please feel free to email me any time with questions or venting. I promise absolutely no judgment! You’ve got this : )
